How to Stop Feeling Lonely and Resenting Our Loved Ones

February 3, 2025

I often find myself carrying a ledger in my head.

On my side of the ledger the “Heavy” things (of course).

I track the bank account. Make sure the bills aren’t just paid, but paid responsibly.

I stand guard over the spiritual temperature of our home, ensuring that the religious standards don’t slip into neglect. I’m the one worrying if the housekeeper’s check reaches her hand on time.

As a partner I can feel like the only one holding up a massive roof.

And when I look over at my wife, Chaya, I don’t always see the roof she’s holding up. I just see that she isn’t helping me hold up mine. I feel alone. And in that loneliness, resentment begins to grow.

This is something I see very often with the men I work with. Most of us are doing well by many an external measure, family, work, community, and at the same time quietly carrying the weight.

The Conversation of Honor

When I brought this to my mentor, I expected a “tactic.” Instead, he gave me empathy, and then he gave me a challenge. He steered me toward a conversation of honest clarity.

The shift happened when Chaya and I sat down to simply acknowledge the weight. An agreement.

It wasn’t about “Who does more?” It was about, “Can we agree that I carry this specific burden, and you carry that one?”

I had to realize that while I was tracking the dollars, she was tracking the soul of our home. She was the one ensuring that when our guests join us for Shabbos or dinners weren’t just fed; they were nourished with color, character, and a variety that spoke of deep care (you can ask them! they’ll tell you!)

Chaya was the one that carried the burden of adventure and vitality. That her, me and the kids got sunlight. That the kids had full healthy meals and made it to the bus on time. That the kids got a good night sleep.

When we named the burdens, the resentment evaporated. slowly…but surely, just like that!

The pain wasn’t the work, the pain was the feeling of being unseen and alone in the work. Once we acknowledged each other’s leadership, the weight turned back into mission.

This pattern doesn’t only live in marriages. It shows up in businesses, partnerships, and leadership. Anywhere people are carrying invisible responsibility without it being named or honored.

The Art of the Soft Push Even with clarity, there are still moments where I desperately need something from her – support, understanding, a break. Instinctively I can lead with intensity and “push” with the weight of my desperation.

Over time, I’ve learned a process I call the “Push–Pull–Soft Push”. When that intense need starts bubbling up, the first thing to notice is how heavy/intense it feels. That kind of push has a gravitational pull to it. When we lead with it, the other person usually feels cornered, even if they actually care and would want to be helpful.

So we pull.

We step back.

Let go of the “must.” Often I’ll turn to Hashem and ask for His help to free me from the intensity. I’ll just work with my body and breathe and with every exhale try relax my nervous system until … the desperation, the intensity softens.

I come back to myself first.

Once settled, and sometimes at a completely different occasion, will the soft push become possible. This is the gentle request. It’s vulnerable. It carries no demand. It’s simply an honest sharing of what we need and an invitation for support. This is often what I end up walking men through, because this kind of invisible pressure builds up in us who take responsibility seriously.

When I stop demanding to be seen and instead start honoring what she carries while gently sharing my own weight, the roof doesn’t feel heavy anymore. We aren’t two people struggling under one roof. We are two leaders building one precious home. I share this because I know how lonely this kind of responsibility can feel, and how much changes when it is finally seen.

💡 Something to think about The next time that burden starts pressing on you, don’t wait for someone else to notice.

• Acknowledge the weight you are carrying.
• Honor the weight they are carrying.
• Soften the intensity (The Pull) ask Hashem for help, share with a friend, write.
• Then make the gentle request (The Soft Push).

You may find they have been waiting to support you all along. They just didn’t know how much you were holding and how much you needed them.

Much love Moishe Dov